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He runs, as fast as he can. The wind blows his fears away, with every step he treads on his guilt. Just as fast as he can, on the night-dark asphalt, stained in orange by the light of the lamps. He runs, to let the blood flow away from his brains to his legs, chest and arms. To direct adrenalin, to let tiredness melt any tension. To recall the feeling of freedom, in the insight that he's free when he can move. He runs, down the middle of the street. So that every bead of sweat running down his forehead is a little less violence in his mind. To leave something behind and, in the void of his focused mind, believe he can start again from blank sheet.
He stops, after a time that can't be measured, and leans his hands on his knees. His burning lungs scream out for oxygen, the blood still flows in his warm legs. He walks slowly, enjoys the balm of exhaustion, his relaxing body. Takes some steps. Then turns around, and heads back.
He stops, after a time that can't be measured, and leans his hands on his knees. His burning lungs scream out for oxygen, the blood still flows in his warm legs. He walks slowly, enjoys the balm of exhaustion, his relaxing body. Takes some steps. Then turns around, and heads back.
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Inspired by the video for the song Papillon by The Editors.
For
:
First of all, is English correct? (for example, I'm not sure the use of present simple is correct, I'm afraid I wanted it to sound like in italian... or can it be used this way?)
Does the piece convey the running related fellings (freedom from worries, fears, guilt...)?
Is it too short, in your opinion?
Does it maybe need more images?
Thank you in advance!
For
:First of all, is English correct? (for example, I'm not sure the use of present simple is correct, I'm afraid I wanted it to sound like in italian... or can it be used this way?)
Does the piece convey the running related fellings (freedom from worries, fears, guilt...)?
Is it too short, in your opinion?
Does it maybe need more images?
Thank you in advance!
Comments8
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I like the piece, and as stated by others, the imagery is fine, and your english is darn good! The length feels fine to me as well.
Just a couple of minor notes in terms of editing I want to suggest, though it's your call what to do with it.
'just as fast as he can,' - I don't think you need the just.
'with the intuition that it's fundamentally about the faculty of moving' - This tripped me up. And bought the pace to a crashing halt because of it. To be honest I still can't quite figure out what your saying. To sound childish, I think it's because of the amount of big words in one place. Too many syllables. Long words slow the pace of the piece down, when this is clearly meant to have the same speed as the character running. The key thing is reader understanding, so it would help the prose to make it a tad easier to read.
'He runs, right in the middle of the street, unless a car is coming' - Two things here! First off, I suggests 'down the middle of the street.' Since it's an action. It gives a sense of moving rather than just being 'in' something. Action keeps the pace and keeps things high when there's meant to be spark. Your character is, after all, doing something! Second thing is, you don't need to mention the cars. I used to do this too, it's like panicking and filling it in like a plot hole. But the reader barely needs to know and unless he's hit by a car, they'd gather he moved or just assume the street was empty.
'So that every bead of sweat running down his forehead is some less violence in his mind.' - A really, really minor one. I'd say 'a little less violence' rather than 'some less violence.' I think it smooths it over a little making it flow.
Annnd that's it! Hope I was some help and keep on writing!